Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Back Here Again

It's been a long time since I have really had the burning desire to sit down and write. Most of what I've written lately has been more out of guilt that I should be documenting something that's happening or it's mainly about Abigail. I really wanted to sit down though and write what was on my heart tonight.

I read a post yesterday that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. Ashley from "Written on Her Heart" wrote this post about friendships, or rather her struggle with them. It really struck home because I could COMPLETELY relate to most of it.

Part of me wants to just write this down and never show anyone, but I want to remember what I was feeling and going through during this stage of my life.  The other part of me wants people to read it and tell me that I'm not the only one who feels this way (or at least I hope so)!

Just like Ashley said, I struggle with friendships. I've actually already written about this before. Remember this post? Yes, well it looks like I'm back here again. Well soon after that, I got a lot better and actually got close to several girls in our life group. They've been awesome friends and especially when I got pregnant with Abigail, they were great ladies that I could go to for help and motherly advice. Several of them also were having babies at the same time as I was, so it was great to be going through the same thing together! However, I think life just happened. Work, babies, families, daily life...and less time for us. I realized that after I had Abigail, she was my main and complete focus. My friends were still great, but I normally would rather stay home with her and Bryan rather than go out. I'm seeing now that has become my crutch. "Abigail needs me", "Abigail doesn't feel well", "I work all the time and feel guilty about the time I miss spending with her", etc.etc. I guess I just put myself on the back burner (like all moms do) and didn't worry about me. Abigail and Bryan were the most important things to me (and still are). However, I'm not sure that that was the healthiest thing for me to do.

I am an introvert so it's hard for me to just put myself out there. I'm secretly jealous of my husband for how easily and effortless he makes friends. It's not hard for him at all. He can talk to anyone about anything and everyone loves him! I struggle with things to say and it's very hard for me to "make the first move" or talk to someone I don't know. I guess I secretly wonder if they will like me. I see women all the time that I know I would get along great with. I've tried to talk to, e-mail, text, invite to, etc but nothing ever really comes of it.

I know that I just can't sit around and wait for close friends to come along. I know that I need to get involved (even more than I am I guess), put myself out there, and just talk to people! It's just hard for me. I know that can't be my excuse though anymore. I also have the bad habit of thinking I could be friends with someone, but then "talking myself out it" because of the people they already hang out with, or things they like to do, or telling myself that they probably don't need any more friends, and they don't "need me". I second guess myself and feel like there's something wrong with me. Probably not the best thing for me to do, but I'm just being honest here! :)

I know that there are people who are really great, but you just don't click with. I know that there are people that are really great, but will only be aquaintances, or just church friends, or work friends, etc and that's completely fine! However, that's not what I want. That's not what I need right now! I need a best friend who I can call up to go shopping, get a mani/pedi with, can be my accountablity partner and go through this stage of life with me.  I do have several ladies like that in my life, but unfortunately they don't live near me. :(

I remember in high school having several best friends, and I remember in college when I was involved in my sorority, Sigma Phi Lambda. I had about 30 best friends and that was one of the best times of my life! I still miss those girls so much! I think I'm learning now that it's all about seasons of life. During high school and college, that was a season of LOTS of friends, and good girl time. Now, I think it's about having those few good close friends that can "do life" with you! :)

I know that there's a reason that I'm going through this "season" right now. I might not understand it, but I'll keep praying about it and let God be in control! :)


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