Tomorrow is the day that Abigail will go to her babysitter. I will drop her off with a stranger while I go to work.
I know that I'm not the only mother that has/is struggling with this. I know I'm not the first and I won't be the last. I know that you've all probably been in my shoes and felt what I'm feeling. That doesn't make it any easier though.
This week has been so hard. If I had to describe what I'm feeling it would be that time with my daughter is slipping away. I had to go to 3 days of mandatory trainings for work, so I was gone all day on Monday, Tues, and Wed. I also moved back down to teach Kindergarten last Friday and was only able to get into my classroom and move out/into the new one on Thursday. The silver linings were that my amazing mom came and watched Abigail for me and brought her to me at the trainings so I could nurse her. I was glad that I didn't have to use any of my pumped milk that I've been trying so hard to store up and my mom was so awesome to do that for me!
Wednesday my mom left and that night I told Bryan that I needed to go shopping for school clothes. That's just another depressing subject b/c I can't find any clothes that fit my new Mommy post pregnancy/nursing body. I can remember driving in the car and being mad that I had to go shopping, instead of happy that I GET to go shopping. I realized that it was because it was just another thing that I had/needed to do instead of being at home, spending time with my daughter. When I got home, and was feeding Abigail, I just sat there and cried. Cried because I had to go back to work, cried because I haven't been spending as much time with her as I wanted to, cried because I just felt like a bad mom because I was spending time on things that were taking me away from her. I can remember holding her crying, and she stopped eating and just looked at me for the longest time with this look on her face like, "Mommy what's wrong? Don't cry Mommy. It's ok!" Of course that just made me cry even more.
I want SO bad to be able to stay at home with her, but we just can't right now. God hasn't provided a way for us to do that this year, so I'm going back to teach. Even though he hasn't provided a way for me to stay home, He has provided in so many other ways. He has provided a wonderful person to keep Abigail. Her name is Tiffany and she's wonderful!
When Bryan and I were looking for someone to keep Abigail, we knew that we wanted someone that was stay at home, and not a daycare, and someone that shared our same beliefs. We looked and looked and finally thought we'd found someone great but God ended up closing that door because this Mom had to go back to work. She called me and told me she couldn't do it and I told her I understood. The day before I had a conversation with Bryan and he told me that he had seen James (Tiffany's husband) at work and randomly asked him if Tiffany ever had kept any kids. James said she hadn't, but he'd ask her if she'd be interested. The next day I found out the other lady couldn't do it and was at lunch with Bryan telling him about our conversation. Right after we finished, Bryan's cell phone rang, it was James, and he was calling to tell us that Tiffany said yes she would keep Abigail for us! God provided and we knew that was what he wanted us to do. I had only met Tiffany one time before when our families ran into each other at CiCi's, but had a peace about it.
Here are some amazing things that give me peace/ways that God has blessed us with Tiffany:
- Bryan works with her husband James and they've worked together for several years. I actually met James a long time ago and knew he was a great guy.
- They have 3 younger girls so she's way more experienced with being a Mom to girls than I even am!
- Their oldest daughter is in school so she'll still only have 3 girls at home most of the time.
- Their youngest daughter is about 1.5 so they still have all the baby stuff at their house, like bibs, burp rags, pack and play, etc. that I don't have to worry about providing!
- They have a mini van and an extra carseat so they have plenty of room for all the girls and I don't have to take all of our stuff over/out of our car every day!
- They live in our neighborhood about 2 miles away from our house!
- Tiffany works at a local church's MDO 2 days a week, so Abigail will be going with her on those days.
- We visited the MDO and LOVED IT! Abigail will be in a super small class and only go 2 days a week from 9-2 so she'll get some interaction with other children her age and be at church! How awesome is that?!
- I called to reserve Abigail's spot at MDO and got the last one!
- At MDO she will be with several of our best friend's kids, so she'll have friends she "knows".
- Tiffany and James are both Christians and raise their children in the same way we will raise Abigail.
- They have been so understanding and sweet. Tiffany told me that she was even going to make Abigail and special "spot" in their room for all of her stuff and that she would consider Abigail as one of her own.
Even though I'm so nervous, I know God will watch over her and keep her safe. I keep thinking of the story of Hannah in the Bible. She prayed and prayed that God would give her a child and if He would, she promised to give him back to the Lord. I can not imagine being able to do that. I try to tell myself that if Hannah could do it, then I can. I will continuously give Abigail to God and know that she will be safer in His hands than she could ever be in mine!